Floating 101

When I was little, we were members of a neighborhood pool. We went almost everyday during the summer to play and swim. As soon as I was big enough to learn I took swimming lessons...you know so I could finally go into the deep end ;). It was such a big deal to be able to go into all of the sections of pool, but it took some effort. You had to earn the privilege of swimming in the deep end and jumping off the diving board.

I remember learning to swim was a series of kicking, floating, doggie paddling, and putting those things together to move in the water, which some people like to refer to as “swimming.” I really loved my lessons until we got to floating. I just wasn't sure about it. I mean how was I gonna be able to float? What if I sunk under the water? It just didn't make sense to let go of the edge or my teacher to float in the water. I was scared of what it would feel like to be untethered. To be moving with the water without giving input into the direction I would go. I remember totally freaking out! I didn't trust it and almost decided to give up because I couldn't imagine how this floating thing would actually work. I wanted to be able to skip it and was a little miffed that I had to to learn it anyway...what did my teacher know about swimming? Swimming was about getting some place in the water...people didn't need to know how to not go places in the water! But I stuck it out since I really wanted to be able to go to the deep end. I can certainly see now that I was a little over-zealous about my knowledge and experience...

For a little background...I like to go fast, to see things change, and to hold some semblance of control over my environment. I am pretty sure that has been the case forever and the 4 year old me...struggled with floating for the same reasons that I do now when life calls for a time of letting the current carry me. My natural desire is to be in control. To know where I am going and to be in charge of getting there. But the thing about swimming in the deep end that my teacher knew and I did not was that sometimes we aren't able to swim; the current my be moving too quickly, you might be too tired, or you might just want to enjoy a few moments of sky gazing. As a child I didn't know that part of learning to swim was being equipped to survive in the water when swimming wasn't possible. Thankfully my teacher did know that at different points I would need to float and so she made sure I would know how.

Lately in life it feels like I have been swimming in the deep end. I long ago took lesson on the basics of life and have been practicing. So I dove in and started making some waves...who would have known that living life could be so wonderfully exhausting? I took on the task of getting myself from point A to point B—stopping to play some Marco/Polo and discovering some other people who have a similar direction in mind for themselves. For awhile things were great...but I'd be lying if said I haven't gotten tired. All this swimming has taken a lot of energy but now I am out in the middle of the depths. I am not interested in going back to the edge but I need to take a break before I can continue forward. So I go back to the basics and remember that practice of floating. I can release my grasp...my “control” on the direction I am moving and just be carried for awhile. I can trust the rhythm and current to hold me up while I rest and take in the view.

Even as I write this the idea of letting go seems so appealing but I still struggle to do it. That same feeling I got when I learned how to float in the swimming pool calls forth a stubbornness of wanting to be in charge of where I go and how I get there. The idea of allowing myself to be taken there is frightening and reminds me of my own inability to control everything around me, even when I'm not floating. Even if I kept swimming my hardest at some point I would be so exhausted that I couldn't go forward any more or worse that could be the end of it all. So why not take a moment now to float...to take it all in and gain my bearings? So I stop kicking, stretch out my arms, and turn my head to sky and breath. There isn't anything for me to hold onto but I am held up despite myself and have the time to see the beauty around me which is often obscured as I move through the water with focus and attention on the goal. I am pretty sure that the practice of letting go is one that will always take some effort on my part but each time I loosen my grasp and float I see the wisdom of my old swim teacher. Some times when we are in the deep end all we can do is breath and be held by the current that will give us the rest we need to continue diving deeper into life.