Tuesday, January 31, 2012

We should name our walls

Yesterday I was watching "The Pillars of the Earth" Mini-series.  The story is set in the medieval England when struggles for power, wealth and revenge were brutal, secret, and led by swords.  The town of Kingsbridge is going to be attacked...this will not be the first time.  They get a few days warning and decided to build a wall to help protect their people, homes, and fleece (the main staple).  It isn't a pretty wall.  It isn't substantial as city walls go, but it helps.  The attackers are confused and more vulnerable when the town erects a wall to keep them out.   The wall gives the townspeople what they needed to protect themselves to live and survive another day. 


Walls are important for safety.  Walls can help to delay those on the outside from coming in too quickly before we are sure we are ready.  But sometimes I find that walls do such a great job of keeping people out, that they keep people out who are welcome and would help if they came in.  I have yet to meet someone that didn't have a few walls put up.  Walls are defenses that help us to manage our vulnerability with the people in our lives.  They are good as long as we know what they are and when it is appropriate to let them down.  When we are too comfortable with keeping our walls up it is like we invite a third person into a relationship.  One who monopolizes the conversation, is oblivious to the feelings of others, and makes it really hard for the other two to get past the surface of their relationship to something deeper.  In the end the very walls created to help, to protect, and to enhance our ability to determine who we will let in, can be the things that keep us from the relationships of depth, care and love that we hope for.

I wonder what it would be like if we named our walls?  If we were even a little more aware of the things we do to protect ourselves and were able to speak of them, would that help us to consider the best times to let them come down?  Would we be able to see opportunities to trust the people in our lives with the unprotected us?  It's a hard thing to vulnerable.  We risk being hurt.  We risk hurting the people who honor us by letting down their walls with us.  But without those risks relationship cannot go past a certain point.  Wouldn't it be great if before seeing a friend you could say, "by the way, Shirley the "last time it didn't work out" wall and Bob the "what if you see the real me and don't like me" are coming with me.  Maybe it would make no difference but I know that when I work to be more aware of what I bring into any relationship...I am more able to consciously choose when to take down a wall or two.  It can be really scary but it also can result in better, deeper relationships where I am safe to be who I am.

This isn't a practice that should be taken lightly...taking down walls should be done carefully and with people will take the time to learn and grow with us.  But if we never pay attention to our walls we might miss opportunities of letting in the people who will give us the most and help us to see ourselves with more grace and love.  Imagine the possibilities and let a wall or two crumble so you can build something more... 

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